The pain tonight is intense.   I've been pacing my living room for about 3 hours of so.   I can only imagine how hard it is for Christina........   I'm just beyond grateful to have found the most mazing women in the world!!!    No matter how much I need or how much help she gives me, she never feels sorry for me and she never tells me I can't do something.    She does tell me WHEN I probably SHOULDN'T do something but that's different!!!   I know that if I asked or even hinted to a massage to help with the pain, she'd be getting everything ready before I even finished asking!!   I'm doing everything I can to try and show all the sides of what I've been through......some are much harder to accept.  Some days are 100 times harder to get up and make myself face the day than it used to.  Social Security & Disability has never been an option, but at the same time.... how long is bit worth it to fight this battle?   How long will I have the strength and determination?  I know that my baby will continue to support me, even when I have rough days and talk about things that normally I'd never to (hence the Social Security subject)....  I never want to be a statistic or somebody that I would be ashamed of because I wouldn't be working for a living.   its things like this that she can listen to, let me vent, and know I'm doing just that.           
    There are days that I STILL regret this surgery.        
    Then.....then there are days that I think it was the best thing ever!!!        What nobody realizes is that I couldn't have done any of it without her. 

1. Not preparing for the surgery ....
2. Not going through the surgery....
3. Not the healing process.....
4. Not going back to work.....
5. ONE OF WHAT I WENT THROUGH COULD HAVE BEEN DONE WITHOUT HER!!!

With each day that passes, and each challenge we face (yes, I do say we....she's as much a part of me, as I am a part of myself), I am confident we will get through this.    I will continue writing of my daily challenges, trials, triumphs and everything else we will continue facing together.        I may talk to her about adding a small (or big) section where she can write about her experiences, feelings and what she's had to deal with throughout this process.....   could be quite interesting......

The quote above is actually something that I just found today....but it actually explains how I have tried to live my life since the day I broke my hand.  I will NEVER forget that day, and I'm sure my best friend won't either.  There was a huge argument, some Domestic Violence happening, then, when I finally couldn't take it anymore, and my family was being threatened....I snapped and Punched a wall.  Little known to me (until I actually hit the wall) there was a Brick Chimney behind this wall that had never been removed.  They just covered it up with the Plaster of Paris and made it look like it was always there.  Well, since that day, I have really had to change how I dealt with frustration.  Before, anytime I had so much emotion built up inside me, and I didn't know how to release it, I would just punch something.  However, until that fateful day on March 7th, I had never broke anything by punching a wall, or whatever to release my tension.  Well....since that day, I have been protecting my right hand like I never knew or thought was possible.  Well, on this last Saturday (not yesterday) I was trying to do some work on my girlfriends car, when the wrench broke, and my hand shot forward (in a punching motion) and slammed into the intake of the engine.  Hence...it felt as though I busted my hand again.  So, we wanted until Monday (because I'm stubborn and I don't like doctors messing with my Right hand.  Most of the time they don't believe me when I am telling them my pain, or they just think I want pain meds.  Well, little do they all know...pain meds don't really work for my hand....its NERVE PAIN!!!!  So, we went to see our Primary on Monday.  When she saw it, she immediately sent me for X-Ray's.  When the results came back, to both our surprise, it was not broken.  She asked me if I wanted any meds, and I said no.  She advised that I just take some IB Prophen to help with the swelling, and if I wasn't feeling better in 2 weeks, to come back.  Well, I wore the brace for about 2 days...then that was enough of that.  With the RSD, the reduced movement really increases the pain at a steady rate.  I would rather feel the pain from moving the Sprained/painful area, than I would have increased pain from lack of movement, increased skin sensitivity due to the Nerve issues....No thank you!!!  I'd rather just suck it up, even after finding out about the possibility of a Hairline fracture.     The more I've been moving it, the better Its been feeling, so the more I've been doing with it. 
    Well, on Thursday, I really wanted to mow the lawn, but due to the weather, and the fact that I was really hurting.  We decided to wait until Friday because then I could have 'my weekend' to rest and recover.  Plus, on Friday, Christina could help as well.   So....after work on Friday, that was exactly the plan!  She came and picked me up at work because the Kia that I was trying to fix, still isn't' working, therefore we are down to one car.  So....on Saturday, when we get home from picking me up, we decided to mow the lawn.  Well, it was the first time our lawn had been mowed all season, as we just got the lawn mower back the previous weekend. 
    So, instead of just starting up the lawn mower, I wanted to adjust the wheels.  I was attempting to raise the front wheels, so that it would me much more effective, quicker, and easier to mow for the first time.  Well.... the front right side was easy.  So were both back wheels.  The front left wheel on the other hand,  was a WHOLE DIFFERENT BALL GAME!!!!  It was broken.  I didn't realize it was broken.  So, as I was trying to forcefully push it backwards, it snapped, my finger slipped, and I got quite the deep cut on my Right Index finger.  Part is just a Shallow cut, but as it goes towards the other side, it just keeps getting deeper.  Well, since we are both Medical Assistants, there was no point in going to the doctor.  We decided to clean it and bandage it at home.  The only part I was starting to worry about, was getting the Bleeding to stop, as it was bleeding alot.  My girlfriend is So Smart!!!  She went and grabbed a Cup of flour, and dumped it on my finger.  I kid you not, the bleeding stopped in about 5 seconds!!!!  We allowed it to just sit like that for about 10 minutes or so, then we started the cleaning and bandaging process.  We did AWESOME!!!  
  

Now, we figured that would actually be the end of the eventful weekend.  Boy we were mistaken!!!  I left work about 1:30 on Saturday after everything was finished at work, and I was really hurting.  When I am hurting that bad, I'm also beyond exhausted, so I decided to come home early.  We decided we were going to cuddle up on the couch, and just rest and relax the remainder of the day away.  Well.....yesterday was especially windy, and the tree in our front yard has some issues.    As we were sitting on the couch under the blanket watching a show, we heard this VERY loud Popping and it sounded like somebody was beating on our door...or bouncing a basket ball off the door...so Christina quickly got up to see what happened.  She Immediately, and calmly (at first) said "Baby....You need to call Justin.  There is a tree on our car!"  Well, I jump off the couch and RUN outside.....Sure as Shit, a huge branch had busted and was laying on our white 2012 Chevy Sonic!!!!!  I Swear that I am telling the truth!!! 

I will continue updating this with the diary of my procedures......

At first we couldn't figure out why I was so swollen after this 5.5 hour procedure, but, then we found out I was face down the entire time.   It was SO hard to open my eyes cause they were so swollen.  Same with trying to take a drink!  lol

This is one of the first pictures of my incision at all.  We were still at the hospital, and they were checking the incisions prior to releasing me.

Another view of the incisions....  I loved how nicely they stitched the one that nobody would see, but the one on my neck looked Crappy!!!!

This picture was a bout a month or so after the surgery happened.  Their was actually a few internal stitches that took about a month or so to work their way out.   They were extremely painful!!!!

The amount of red is partially a sunburn I got the few days before surgery.

The Procedure was originally scheduled back in march.  They are thinking the car wreck we were in at McDonald's in February may have caused more trauma.  Today, we actually had the procedure.  At first, I was not sure what at all to expect.  I actually did more research one we got home, then I did before hand.  Honestly, I have found that this usually results in me having less anxiety.  If I have done research (then you add the fact that I am a Medical Assistant) can actually cause me to have a panic attack and extreme bouts of anxiety when I know they are not following the correct (or what I THINK is the correct procedure).  So, before I went in, I actually took my medications.  :)  Plus, now that I am very aware of this whole anxiety issue, it makes it much easier for me to process and deal with it because I am aware of it. There is a website I was referred to if I had any further questions (common FAQ's) www.docstoc.com.
    Basically, the purpose of this procedure was to try and get the specific muscles that are really causing the problem, to relax.  Now, it can take up to 2 weeks for me to get the full benefits of this, however, in addition to the Lidacane, or general anesthetic they used, they also injected some steroids to try and speed up the healing process. My biggest hope, is that my neck will actually start to heal.  He did ask me today if I felt that this was really all because of the accident in February.  I told him that I feel 'Muscle' pain and I also feel 'Bone' pain in my neck.  I really don't know how to describe it any better than that.  I have sharp pain that shoots down into my back.  it shoots across my shoulders to the other side as well.  There are times that if I try and turn my head to look (say to change lanes while driving) that it will actually almost drop me to my knees.  The pain I feel when 'pushing' my limits, is almost always at a steady 7-9, depending on the direction I am trying to look.  Some days are better than others, and now that my medications have changed, I have started to notice a small difference in the last 24 hours.  What makes this so difficult to try and judge, is that a lot of things have changed since I saw my Doctor on Thursday.  Not only did they change my muscle relaxer, but they also proscribed another medication that should help in addition to the muscle relaxer in addition to the other changes.....  Then, four days later, I have injections into my muscles.  I know a large part of this, is taking it one day at a time.  And, without my baby, I wouldn't be doing that!!!
    In addition to my nerve condition, I also injured my right hand by accidentally hitting the engine in the car, when the wrench I was using bused.  I went to the Doctor to confirm that their was no actual break, however, even the doctor was surprised when she was it.   I am trying to take this all one day at a time.  Both my baby and I will continue to heal together.   Hopefully hers is consistently improving and she will no longer be in pain, and hopefully mine won't need anything more than just a normal monthly check up.  :)  Wouldn't that be the life!!!!  I can't wait for the day when we are able to get our paddle boards, and go out on the lake because we are strong enough.  We are coming up with new things to look forward to since I can't do things like Silver Wood Anymore.  I can race Gas Powered Cars, We can get paddle boards (I stand to much for canoes) however we haven't completely ruled the idea of some Canoes out yet.  The plus side to the Paddle Board, is its meant for me to stand....or, if I really wanted a break, I could sit, or even lay down for a relaxing float too!!!  Christina and I were thinking/talking about it, and even Thor would most likely enjoy it....as long as he can be near me, hes happy.   We even found some Paddle Boards that were not Overly expensive (less than $700) which just proves that dreams CAN come true!!!!   lol....  Well, now that we have listed some of our goals, I will continue updating the Blog as we are able to achieve some of these dreams!!!!!  We have figured out that with each other, our friends and family that support us....we will be able to achieve each and every goal and dream we set for ourselves.     Thank you all so much for reading, and supporting the journey that my love and I face!  Peace & Love!!!!

     So, In a previous blog, I mentioned that I was going to have a procedure to hopefully stop the muscle spasms.  Well, my girlfriend ended up having surgery the same day, so we had to cancel.  We had to be in Spokane by 6 am for her check in.  My appointment was scheduled for 2 p.m. in Kennewick WA.  We knew it was going to be tight to try and get both in, however we were not given any options.  When I saw my Doctor, he said he wanted to get me in as soon as possible which ended up being 3 weeks out.  Then, when we saw her Doctor, Tuesday was the only option, and they scheduled her in before his 1st surgery.  They figured it would only take about an hour but it ended up taking over 2 hours.  I was quite concerned actually, and nobody was telling me anything.  It was kind of a blessing in disguise because I have been having to help her get up and down.  If I had done the procedure, even if it had helped, chances are, it wouldn't have worked as well, or lasted as long.  Trust....I wouldn't want it any other way.  If this actually helps her, then its all worth it!  Once she is healed, I will reschedule my appointment and we will hopefully get the most out of it.  My girlfriend and I have realized that my shoes are having a huge affect on my pain as well.  I looked at the soles of my shoes, and I very much walk on the outside edge of my feet.  Also, the heals are extremely worn down also on the outside edges.  We've already tried some insoles for them, and they don't seem to help at all.  The issue is...I have a hard time spending money on expensive clothing, shoes or accessories for myself.  But, like my baby said....in the long run, I'm actually spending about the same.  Cheap shoes are only lasting about 2 or 3 months.  the last time we bought Sketchers for me, they lasted like 6 months and then I stopped wearing them because they were the Shape Ups, and my Doctor said they were probably increasing my back pain as well.  The reason I liked them so much, was that they were so cushioned inside!!!  It felt like I was standing on clouds!!!  I wish I could find a pair of shoes that feel like that on the inside, without being Shape Ups!!!  That would be Ideal!!!  I'm not sure...I just know we need to figure something out.  After having my shoes on for an hour, my feet ache and my back starts throbbing.  I hate it!!!  But...right now, the main focus is getting my baby back on her feet.  I really hope and pray that this surgery actually helped solve her pain issue!!!